


You're so much stronger than all of the white noise

by Cgest



Category: Riverdale (TV 2017)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt, M/M, Peggy Sue, m/m - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-04
Updated: 2018-05-04
Packaged: 2019-05-02 03:32:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14535702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cgest/pseuds/Cgest
Summary: Kevin Keller writes Moose Mason a letter, despite their final goodbye.**THIS IS A KEVIN KELLER/MOOSE MASON AU DON'T @ ME**But also ty for reading ily.





	You're so much stronger than all of the white noise

Dear Moose, 

I wanted to start out by saying I am sorry. I am sorry I am sorry I am sorry. I am sorry for how heavily I pursued you for two months. I am sorry that the word "No" does not live in my only child vocabulary. It especially does not live there now. I am sorry if you feel like I don't respect you by listening to this. Just, let me explain. 

I am sorry that you gave in. I don't know why you did. Well, I do, but I don't. I am sorry I let my hopes get way too high. I am sorry I took Xanax and couldn't process my feelings. Actually no I am not sorry about that. Feelings are intense. Confronting them is worse. I hope that by writing this all down they eventually will dissipate, and in both of our futures we will become funny stories we tell new people we meet about an insane past experience. Just enough sadness that our heart restricts a tiny bit, but enough sweetness that a smile breaks across our face. 

I am sorry that we are both confused and things spiraled way, way too out of control. I never wanted this to become a tornado, but it did, and now it's nothing but wreckage. 

I am sorry that sitting next to you in a darkened movie theatre was the most alive I felt in a year. I am sorry that I was painfully aware how close your arm was to mine as you held our popcorn, and I am sorry that I kept laughing at really inappropriate parts during "A Quiet Place". Putting a baby in a box is really funny I don't think it will ever not be funny, but anyway. I am sorry I silently judged you for having no opinion about which type of theatre candy we bought. I mean seriously how do you not just have a go to candy? But I think that should have been my huge neon sign, that you were not really into the date, you were not really into me, you were never going to be into "us". Or maybe you were. Maybe I should stop making so many conclusions about you. 

I am sorry if you felt like you had to go out with me to get me off of your back. But also, I am not sorry. Because I had sidled up with the idea that it was never going to happen, that we were never going to happen. Especially after I dragged myself out of my house at 10:30 on a Wednesday night to wax poetic at a Waffle House, exhausted and scared. I told you that being around you outside of Riverdale High would be painful, but that I still wanted to be your friend. That is all, I fucking want. To be your friend. To be part of your world. Do I have to break out into a Little Mermaid song to get through to you? 

I was never playing a game, in fact, I'm still not. But you, I think you are. 

I am sorry that Cheryl and Archie and Betty got so so involved. It should have been just us from the beginning. But I have this awful habit of oversharing and that is either something to appreciate or abhor. I guess I just trust blindly. That too is something to appreciate or abhor. 

I am sorry that I do not respect the statements "I just don't think it would be a good idea" or "I am trying to stand my ground". Ground (noun) the solid surface of the earth, or an area of knowledge or subject of discussion or thought. I wanted to define it because after our "final goodbye" I kept trying to wrap my head around what "ground" meant to you. What does it mean to you? 

I am sorry that ego and pride may have been involved, I am sorry if yours got hurt or bruised, and I am sorry if I am being punished now for it. The beautiful thing about humility is that both pride and ego cease to exist. Will they ever cease to exist for you? 

I am sorry that you felt the need to saddle this entire mess onto my feelings. As if you, prohibiting any contact with me would aid in the clean up of this destruction. As if you were granting me a mercy killing. As if I was the only one wading into waters that were gray and murky without proper visibility. I know, you told me about Midge and your residual feelings, the pain that you probably deal with, still deal with. 'I wish I could not see Midge everywhere I look' I believe was the statement you made. To which I replied 'How do you think I feel about you' to which your reaction was a red face, and slightly watery eyes. 

I agree, a romantic relationship between us would not be a good idea. I am sorry that I knew going into this it would never be a forever thing, and I am sorry I even said that. It could have been, hell maybe it would have been, the universe and its pulls are mysterious and deep. I am sorry that you will not talk to me about your true feelings, even if you don't know what they are.

I am sorry if during my Xanax high I made you feel like I regretted anything that we did. I didn't. I never would. Being with you felt like the scent of snow when it's bitter cold, the relief rain brings after a humid day, the wind as it moves through hair when car windows are down. It felt fluid. It felt right. 

I do not agree with you that stopping our friendship was a good idea. That is how we started, at 5:30 in the morning while you munched on M&M's and soda. We started as friends. We should end as friends. 

I am sorry you don't want me in your life to which I still do not know why. Why (adverb) for what reason or purpose, or (exclamation) expressing surprise or indignation. Indignation (noun) anger or annoyance provoked by what is perceived as unfair treatment. Does this sound familiar to you? 

I am not sorry that I said I couldn't picture a world without you in it. Because I can't. And if you can picture a world without me in it, well fuck you

I am sorry at this stage in your life, you are selfish. I am sorry that right now, we both have tunnel vision. I am sorry that Midge takes up so much of your mental space, I definitely understand that. It is so easy for people to say "Fuck it, move on. That person isn't worth it. There are so many other fish in the sea". Sure, there are a million other people and a million other soulmates and a million others who would treat us better than that last horrible person did. But it doesn't mute the anguish we feel over the loss. Do you feel anguish over my loss? 

I am sorry that I am not worth your mental space. I hope you stop hurting eventually. I hope I do too. 

I am not sorry that you have temporarily ruined Brand New's album Science Fiction. Maybe listening to such heavy melancholic shit constantly isn't the best idea for my mental psyche. So in a way I guess, thanks. 

I forgot how exhausting it felt to be in your early 20's, but your late 20's isn't much better. I guess it is all just exhausting. 

I am sorry that I drive around and cry thinking about you planting so many small kisses on my face in the back seat of my car. I've saged it three times and it still feels like you're there. 

I am Belle, I am Mary Poppins, I am Daisy fucking Ridley as Rey or whoever the fuck she plays in Star Wars. I am a mixture of all of these things. But I am not enough of a mixture for you. 

I am sorry that I don't see more value in myself to know that maybe, just maybe you aren't worthy of being in my life. Of knowing my secrets. Of knowing my love or compassion. Of knowing my persistence. 

I am sorry if you have ever felt like no one fights for you, despite what I am still doing now. I am sorry that I can't let this go just yet, I guess I am indignant. 

I am sorry that we will both go on separate adventures. That great and terrible things will happen to the both of us, and we will both never know what became of the other. I am not sorry that despite this, I will continue to go on living. I hope you didn't think I wouldn't. 

I am sorry whoever you spend your rest of days with will probably fucking suck. Like the hot dog cart girl that would sit outside of Riverdale High football games. I am sorry I think hunting is stupid, I am sorry I can't really listen to country music for more than maybe one hour at a time before it all sounds the same, and I am sorry that despite going to Catholic school for a year I very loudly told my Bible Study teacher that anti-abortion views are fucking stupid and earned myself a lot of detention. I'm sorry I'm probably too punk for you, but punks are cool and super genuine people. Maybe you should find more punks in your life. 

I am sorry that whoever you end up with won't challenge you to actually fucking live. I am sorry that they will probably be things you crave. Calm. Complacency. The illusion of safety. Someone who will make you put in all of the effort, and never say the word "cunt" in front of an elderly family member. I am not sorry that I will never be that, because I could not imagine a life of mundanity. 

I hope you get that cabin in Alaska you so badly want one day, and I hope when you get to the Pacific North West you remember that I'm there, I've been there, my journey toward the end had already begun. I promise I will only think about you once or twice as I hike high summits and look out at calm waters with jagged rocks. I promise I will only wish you were there with me once or twice. 

I imagine being with me is like plunging into a freezing cold river off of a cliff, absolutely terrifying but after the initial decent, completely freeing. I wonder if you will ever feel that way with anyone you are with. I wonder if you ever felt that way with me. 

I wonder if that is why you felt the need to cease and desist all communication with me. Was me living too painful for you? 

I know I will be a great teacher. I know that I am still great. Did you think you had to say that because I thought otherwise? 

I am sorry that sometimes I take extra long showers because I can't stop crying over how bad I just miss you, and its nice that the water muffles the sound of my sobs. 

I am sorry that Joaquin has had to take the place of answering questions on your behalf. Answers that you may never be able to convey. "Kevin, of course he thinks about you. Guilt makes people act in weird ways. Of course he feels bad for what he did, why do you think he is acting the way that he is? One day in the future he will meet a boy exactly like you, and he'll repeat the same mistakes. No, you aren't stupid for caring about Moose, you're just the type of person that cares". 

Did you hear that, Moose? 

I wish I could put more faith into the universe that what happened between us is all very temporary. That months from now my phone will light up with a number I do not know, and it will be you, and we will pick up where it all left off and you'll tell me everything about working for a church camp and I'll tell you everything about whatever I am doing, whenever I am doing it. But for once in my life, I am doubting the universe and how it works. This past year in Riverdale hasn't exactly been the easiest, I think this was just the icing on the cake. 

I hope when you are in Kentucky this summer spiritually healing you are in whatever room you're in, laying in whatever bed you'll be tucked into, thinking about me and what I am doing. Thinking about the pressure of my mouth on yours, the experiences we could have had. Everything we could have had. I hope when you see Midge you get your final "fuck you" moment. 

Moose, I am casting into the universe that this isn't truly the end. That your ground is actually made of tectonic fucking plates, and they will shift and cause earthquakes or volcanoes or mountains but most importantly that they just fucking shift. Maybe that is what I crave, the illusion you could give me that one day, they might shift. 

I am sorry I keep writing because I do not want to say goodbye, despite the fact that we already have. But it didn't feel real. None of it feels real. Goodbye (exclamation) used to express good wishes when parting or at the end of a conversation, or (noun) an instance of saying 'goodbye'; a final parting. Despite the fact goodbye is abstract, it certainly feels concrete. 

-Kevin Keller


End file.
